{Cheese and Beans}

It would appear that if a computer keyboard is within reach of my insane fingers, I will meddle with the theme of this blog. Given a little reflection, it seems the years of studying, industry experience and hard bitten cynicism were eventually intended to service my Wordpress theme fiddling problem.

It’s terrible. I have the knowledge to build Wordpress (many moons ago I did just that – and I expect none of my readers will know too much about that) – and yet I spend spare moments tinkering. No grand plans and projects for me – if given the opportunity I won’t so much as start building the next Apollo 11, as make sure all the wheelnuts on the rocket tractor are shiny.

It’s pretty bad, isn’t it.

In other news I’m sat here – just gone 10pm GMT in the UK – listening to a band I found called “Owl City”. I discovered them quite randomly the other day. Calling “them” a “band” is something of a misnomer. It’s one very talented guy and his computer. Sounds good though. It’s on now… except of course you can’t hear it because (a) you’re not here, and (b) you’re probably reading this hours or days after I went to bed.

I’m trying hard not to think about theme fiddlage, honest. I know “fiddlage” isn’t a real word, before the English police jump on me. It’s quite a responsibility you know – maintaining language standards – especially when you are English, and expected to write and speak your native tongue wonderfully.

I’m no Shakespeare.

Heh. This is an achievement – I’ve written an appallingly constructed post that has no real subject, no direction, and no point. That’s got to be worth something hasn’t it ?

Since deciding to continue with a personal blog a month or so ago, I have been wondering just how stupid I am. Of course there are many different ways somebody can be stupid, but I think I have a fair chance of nailing quite a few of them.

Shall we elaborate?

Do I really have anything to share worth reading?

Seriously. What on earth do I have to share with the wider world? What might other people want to read? What separates me from you?

Is my writing good enough?

Can I really string words together impressively enough to make reading them a pleasure, rather than a chore? Does my lack of literary training leave you, my pathetically small audience, gnashing your teeth as you wander off in search of better punctuation ?

How much does this damn blog cost?

In reality not so much. The price per month of one lunch from the sandwich guy that turns up at work each lunchtime. You might not think this much, but when multiplied throughout the year it becomes the price of 3 Moleskine notebooks, which most people don’t buy because they consider them too expensive.

I’m being flippant. We have reached the point in a so-so blog post where I flip-flop into a consideration of the statements I have made, and navel gaze insufferably about them. I promise to keep things short.

I have lots to share that I know others are interested in – my only concern is a classic one; the most popular subjects are the most difficult to write about. The children, adoption, work, our (mine and Wendy’s) relationship, our real life struggles, and my real thoughts about life, the universe and everything.

Why the emphasis on the word “real” ? Perhaps because I very rarely stand my own ideas and opinions up to be knocked down by the passing crowd. Perhaps it’s time I did so. The one subject I have systematically avoided within the annuls of Cheese and Beans has been my religious faith – or lack of it. Considering the propensity of others to preach their faith or belief from the rooftops, perhaps it’s time I spoke out.

I find difficulty expressing negativity. I’m not talking about the little things – complaining about the rain, or my laptop, or our pet cat. I’m talking about the big stuff; the objectional views and behaviour of others – some of whom I know and like.

The writing quality issue is one to ask somebody more knowledgeable than myself. I will admit to never writing drafts, editing, or spell checking. The words you read are as they left my fingers. I’m never going to write “On The Road”, but at least you know there is an honesty in my misuse of grammar and punctuation.

The quality of content tends to increase when I am well, not stressed, and not tired. It’s not rocket science.

Perhaps I should close this post with the admission that this blog runs at a loss, and probably always will. I am lucky enough to claim at least a little competence at a few things in my quiet existence on this ball of mud – and writing is not one that I might be remembered for commercially. I can live with that.

My once mighty notebook – a “Moleskine” no less – seems to have been reduced to a container of drivel. A real-world twitter account. Notes in passing. There was a time when it – or its ancestors – carried deep thoughts, observations, drawings, and various other brain dumpage.

I’m not sure if I should be concerned or not. Perhaps the more important thing is that I have the notebook, and that I’m at least recording something in it from time to time.

Today marks both the end of something, and the beginning of something new.

Today marks the beginning of a real, proper blog. The beginning of an effort to regularly expound words of interest to the passing crowd from a platform built of the best virtual boxwood (in reality it’s built on Apache, PHP, MySQL and Wordpress, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it).

With a little luck, and a little effort, “Cheese and Beans” will become a regular literary performance charged with humility, honesty, wit, intelligence, eccentricity, annoyance, aggravation, hilarity, and perhaps an occasional spoon of levity.

I will screw my courage to the sticking place, and set about deconstructing the walls I have built over recent years; walls that conceal the real story. The interesting story. The story never told. The dark thoughts, the idiotic opinions, the damn fool escapades, and the inappropriate situations.

I’m not saying I’ll be leaving to fight in a foreign civil war, contract syphilis in Venice, or wooing statesmen’s wives (as a certain famous literary figure did a few hundred years ago), but I might at least have very pointed things to say about the school run, idiot car drivers, old people, religious zealots, and the remarkably interesting statistical relationship between the size of the hole in the o-zone layer, and the number of Pirates in the world.

I will encourage you, my audience, as you accompany me on this journey of discovery – we will come to know each other, you and I, to laugh, to commiserate, and to share confidences.

It’s going to be fun. It’s also going to be difficult, but mostly fun, on the whole, I think…

The next sentence is going to cause a number of people to slap their own foreheads with their hands – perhaps the entire readership – you know, all six of you. I’m just warning you in advance so you don’t try and blame me for personal injury.

I’m considering buying a domain name and webspace to build a “proper” blog.

If I’m going to live up to my word and put effort into the words I share, I may as well attempt to do so properly. This whole crackpot plan will of course mean moving everything again, and will probably cause a number of people who have half heartedly followed my various utterings to throw their arms in the air, and wander off to do something more interesting – you know, like cutting their toenails.

A little voice on one of my shoulders is shouting something about the platform not being important. Apparently it’s all about content – or rather words – and they better be damn interesting if an audience is going to be enticed towards them.

I have no problem writing – with a little application I know damn well I can compose far better words than I typically spew out.

If I do this, I’m going to have to lower my guard significantly. People are most interested in really weird shit – the deep, dark thoughts you wouldn’t normally share. The controversial opinions. The personality hatchet jobs you might normally keep to yourself. Without the honesty, the words lose their power, and the story becomes mundane.

I’m aware that since having children I’ve been busily building walls. Those will have to come down. If I do get the wrecking ball out, it will be scary as hell to start with, but might also be rather fun.

Oh crap. If I do this, I have to think of a name…

After much thought and deliberation – at least a twenty minutes during the cycle home from work – I have decided that it might be prudent to resurrect “cheeseandbeans.com”, which I already own. Truth be told, I can’t think up a better name than “Cheese and Beans”

“kingoftheidiots.com” is available, if you’re interested, as is “secondtotheleft.com”